Monday, December 28, 2009

WHY???!!! OH~~WHY???!!!

WHY AM I BACK HERE????!!!!!
IT'S SO SO SO SO SO SO BORING T.T
I RELI HATED HERE...
it's not that i really dislike this place,
but this is one boring piece of land~~
i really did enjoyed the nature and fresh air here...
my breathing problem seldom bother me when i'm over here...
mum says it might be due to the cleaner air here compare to the much polluted air back in penang~~

but...i juz feel that this place totally does not suit my style of living~~
there isn't much decent bookstore here~~
there isn't much decent shopping centre here...
there isn't much decent food here...
there isn't any decent countdown party here!!!!
how i wish i could be in QB for the countdown concert~~
it sure is damn happening and fun-filled~~
i had to admit that i did gain alot ever since i'd started stduying here~~
at the same time, i'd also missed lotsa stuff as well...
no pain, no gain...

however,
the most important of all...
i miss my family much T.T
the ever so pampered spoilt princess is far far away from her cozy palace...
enduring all the worst case scenarios outside all alone...
well, this is the process for growing into a decent adult i guess...

Sunday, December 27, 2009

♪✿❤ Thank You For The Music ❤✿♬

This song had became the song of me&mum during this holiday~~
recently i had heard this song so many times that i dun think it's simply coincident~~
the first time i heard the song is during the korean super star K competition...
a finalist sang this song during the ABBA themed night~~
then, when i'd joined the voluntary works at Music For Life 2009 Charity Concert,
the finale was singing this song too...
then, the third time was when i was in the car with mum during the holidays~~
after tat, we'd alwiz come across this song 2gether~~
and we'll sing along 2gether~~mother and daughter ❤
this is only my 1st day back here,
yet i misses her so much...
i bet she does the same too,
as she'd called me so many times in a day...
miss u lotz mum, and love u lotz!!!
you're the best mum in the world!!!
*kisses and huggies*



Wednesday, December 23, 2009

winter's here^.^冬至快乐!!!

my post might be a bit late,
but still wish every one happy winter's season with my most sincere heart^^

i still remember the time when i'm still in kk during this season,
and a few of us had made the glutinous balls 2gether~~
it's a wonderful memory i'll never forget~~❤

on monday, after i'd finally get my check up with the gynecologist, we stopped by at granny's place~~
planned to take a rest there b4 mum went on to work,
and also as a final visitation to her b4 i fly tis coming saturday~~
unexpectedly, granny's rolling all the glutinous balls~~
i asked mum few days ago when is the "dang cheh" and she told me not so fast =.=
tat's y it was a surprise as i did not expect "dang cheh" to be today, erm, i think yesterday by now~~

since she's at home all alone as uncle and aunty and my cousins had went out to work,
so me and mum helped her out a bit~~
it's like ages ago since i last roll the glutinous balls with my family~~
at home we dun do tat ever since grandpa passed away...
if i wana eat, mum will juz buy from the market~~
it's alwiz nice to have some activities with family members~~
especially someone elder like my granny,
whom we duno how much longer we could have her with us~~
so i appreciate every second that i spend with her~~

she reli loves me paying visits to her~~
and uncle had even reserved a big space on the wall in the living for my BIG graduation photo^^
so that granny could brag to everyone who visits her that she has a granddaughter who is a uni grad~~
well, anyhow, guess i'm gonna be the only one in the family~~
and it's alwiz my pleasure to know that they are all very proud of me~~
i reli thank every single one of them for giving me so much love~~

back to the topic today~~
the glutinous balls!!!
weeee~~
granny prepared the dough and me and mum juz helped to roll them into small balls~~
even though i feel that the balls that granny made are considered humungous and a bit bit out of shape =.=
but anyhow, when mum bougth some back for me from the market,
only i noe granny's are considered small and round enough~~
u ought to find a way to have some fun during work time!!!
tada!!! done!!!
granny asked me to take the photos at the end of all hard works~~
kekekekek~~
and u could see 12 bigger sized balls on the top part~~
they are called the "yi bo"~~
granny said "yi bo seh yi kia"~~
literally means that they are the mum giving birth to the baby balls~~
hahahahaha~~
well, it's our chinese traditional beliefs~~
12 yi bos for year end and 6 yi bos for mid-year~~
but nanny said nowadays ppl dun usually celebrate during mid-year ady~~

Sunday, December 20, 2009

我们这一家 \(^o^)/

刚才看电视的时候,
才愕然发现今天就是ntv7《十分红》演唱会的日子~~
就这样的,一家人就聚在客厅一起看演唱会了 o(∩_∩)o
我们这一家子,真的很癫下~~呵呵呵~~

一开始任贤齐出来,就跟现场观众打招呼~~
“左边的朋友~~” “啊~~!!!”
“右边的朋友~~” “啊~~!!!”
“后面的朋友~~” “啊~~!!!”
喊到哪里那边的观众就会呐喊尖叫~~
我就很自High的喊了“家里的朋友!!!”
结果差点没吓死我自己~~
老妈子在一边 “啊~~~~!!!”
再后来,他唱《心太软》的时候,我们全家居然还来了个大合唱~~
咩呵呵~~

就这样,一场演唱会下来,
女儿唱歌,爸爸跳舞,妈妈应援呐喊!!!
不管那个歌手,只要他们一问“好不好???”
老妈一定以最大音量喊“好~~~!!!”
笑死我了~~
老弟打工回来也加入阵容~~好不热闹(*^__^*) 嘻嘻

唉~~好花不常开,好景不常在~~
我很快的又要回去了~~万般不舍呀!!!
对于游子来说,家,始终都是最温暖的地方~>_<~+

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

✿病✿

病了真的好辛苦~~
my nose is running everywhere and i juz cant seem to get hold of it T.T
都是爸爸的错!!!
传染给全家了~~哟~~
吃药也很痛苦~~最讨厌了!!!
我要吃多一点我最爱的福建面啊!!!
so快点痊愈!!!
influenza virus快点离我而去!!!
还我自由!!!
病了就是一直在睡~~
拼命喝水~~
真是平时不烧香急来抱佛脚~~
平时不听话不好好喝多点水~~
现在见了鬼还不怕黑咩~~
乖乖,快点好起来哈~~
阿不然下个星期不能上飞机了~~

睡觉去~~❤

Thursday, December 10, 2009

the early christmas pressie from omma

loved it so so so much!!!
it's very pretty~~
and bcoz of my fair complexion (adui beh pai seh~),
it looks perfect on me^^kyekyekyekye~~
syok sendiri~~
anyway, it's made of platinum with swarovski crystals on the ball~~
THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH MUM ❤

shopipng spree!!! weee~~

promised to put up sumthin, so~~shopping comes first~~hehe..

well, holidays are times for shopping!!! yeeha~~
and all expenses covered by mum~~
hehehehe~~tat's the best part^^
these are all the items i bought during this holiday~~
how i wish i could carry these babies back to kk with me...
but if i reli do so, ltr on i'll have to worry bout how to get them all back!!!
so...these babies are to stay den...

let's start off with shoes!!!
i'd got this shoes when shopping with omma in the department store...
it's really nice, i love it so so much, and it could go on well with all clothes~~
so i juz grabbed it^^it's from nautini, i guess it's a department store brand~~
RM79.90-->RM63.92

went to granny's place to overnite due to me helping in a charity concert (my next post will be on this) til late nite, the next day omma came pick me up and we went to the pasar for tea together~~while on our way back, i spotted this cutie ankle boots and juz couldn't help but to get it back!!! hehehe~~it goes on well with all jeans!!!
RM65-->RM55

done with shoes...next up are bags!!! woohoo~~my fav!!! mum alwiz says, bags must go on well with ur shoes~~well, her shoes all got matching bags, tat is why she got one whole cabinet of shoes, and one whole cabinet of bags~~i'm not earning any cent yet, so i do not reli need to match everythin up la~~cincai can liao~~hahaha...but anyway, i still get 4 bags this time round...

first of all, this is my favourite!!! a black backpack from GMX, a department store brand..i'm so carrying this bac to kk^^
RM159.90-->RM40

next up, this one is spotted by omma, she loves this so much, and i find it quite stylish with some attitude, so i juz grabbed it as well~~it's from GMX as well~~
RM119 --> RM20

omma got me this from catalogue shopping bcoz i was longing for a white bag~~ended up i actually bought one from online shopping back in kk, anyhow, this bag is filled with omma's love, so i love this bag too!!!
RM39

this is my favourite!!! i loved this so so so so so much!!! i grabbed it once i saw it in the offer bin and the aunty next to me is like keep eying on it and keep persuading me to get others~~well, aunty, i got it 1st~~btw, it's a genuine polo~~
RM399.90-->RM39.90

done with bags~~next up, my two dresses for the balls next year^^one for Magra, which stands for Malam Anugerah Sekolah Sains dan Teknologi, and i'm finally goin on stage to get my dean list cert!!! and not juz a photographer anymore!!! weee~~and another one is for biotech nite, which is almost like a farewell dinner for all 3rd year seniors~~

omma went to pasar the other morning and spotted this new shop, so she went in to have a look and spotted nice dresses with damn cheap prices!!! so the next day she korek me up damn early in the morning and drag me there~~hahaha...thx alot to omma for having good taste!!!

This is the same dress as YC darling had grabbed^^juz tat different colours~~u noe, it's hard for me to get a cheap dress due to my breast, but i'm happy that this dress suits me well!!! weee~~

RM45

the other one is the so called "curtain" dress~~when i chose to try this one out, mum was like it look so much like curtain, u sure u wan?? after tat, it had been named as the curtain dress...but it's my fav!!! i reli loved this dress bcoz it can totally show my S-line!!! wahahahhaha~and i find it to be very cute too!!!
RM39

next up, some clothes~~i loved this princess-alike-piece so much!!! and it suits me well due to i have boobs to show and also i'm considered fair for the silky white material~~
RM30++ (forget liao, bought too many things tat day)

next one is this cute lil coat~~it looks very nice~~juz simply grab it lo...i guess it will come in handy in the future~~
RM30++

den grab some pants...i actually had way too many jeans ady...but juz feel like grabbing another straight cut one...abit more to the skinny jeans type...so saw tis one not bad, shun bian grab la~~
RM49

grabbed a pair of knee length jeans~~it suits my shape perfectly, so juz tot that i MUST get this one~~plus, i love the wordings on the booty part~~
RM41

these are my 收获 from padini sales~~dun reli have the mood to shop that day when i went to padini, so juz randomly went thru the clothes and din find anything interesting~~all the i picked don suit me and this pair is again, spotted by omma and they looked nice on me...so ended up only get the shirt which could go well with skirts and jeans, and the skirt which is nice and so my style~~haha~~
this two jinja forget the price liao~~

this is sumthin i get from my previous online shopping~~i love hoodies so so so much!!! and this is one of my favourite~~i chose green bcoz i do not have much green clothings~~but mum says it made me look very fat due to it's real thick material, and mum's like how could u wear this in m'sia~~so...she totally had no confident in online shopping anymore...duh...but anyway, if i see anything nice, i think i'll still buy it...kekeke~~
this one oso forget price liao~~

okie dokie~~finally done with shopping part!!! next post i'm gonna share bout the "Music For Life" Concert by Jammin Senzation that i had been a part of on last Monday~~it's really an awesome concert and a wonderful experience!!!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

preview~~❤

i actually had alot to share!!!
this is a wonderful holiday,
and i did lotsa stuff~~
totally enjoyed my time off to the fullest!!!
juz tat everytime when i sat down in front of my lappie,
i tend to get lazy and went straight to the folders for movies~~
or check it out in the forum for some latest gossips~~
aiks~~
gonna upload sumthin new by tis week~~
hopefully...

Friday, November 27, 2009

holiday life~~

well~~holiday is for me to return to my spoilt brat role~~it's reli nice to be pampered by my closest ones after a long sem~~it feels great to be treated like a princess~~i can sleep til any hour i like, i can eat whatever i wish~~as long as i could name it, mum, dad and bro will try to bring it to me~~i can do wateva i like~~hang on the line all day long, watching video clips, laughing and crying all along~~and my favourite, boom the speakers with my favourite musics!!! i've been putting on earphone the whole sem bcoz i myself had broken my very own lappie's speakers~~ darn~~it's been so long since i last watch movies with the earphones off my ears~~

i have EVERYTHING in my own lil room^.^i have my very own hi-fi set, tv, fridge, lappie, aircon and toilet (although sharing with ma bro)!!! this means that i literally do not have to leave the room~~as good as life could be, i'm enjoying mine to the fullest!!!

anyhow, there's one daily chore that mum demanded me to get done, which is watering the plants in our garden^^well, this aint a tough job though~~i hated it at first, juz coz i'm lazy~~but now, i enjoyed it as i had learned to appreciate mum's beautiful garden, and also to at least see some green after a long day in front of my lappie~~i love to talk to the plants, sing to them, and watch them grow day by day~~(thank God my neighbours are usually yet to be home at the hours when i water the plants, or they might think that i'm insane!!!)

it has been one week since i'm back~~i'd done so many things that i tot it was longer than that~~but at the same time i do not wish for time to pass by too fast!!! *I DUN WANA GO BACK!!! IT'S A BUSY FINAL SEM AHEAD!!!* owhkay~~this is juz the shrieking deep down inside my heart~~i noe i gotta face the truth~~mum's right, when i'm back in KK, i'm alwiz counting down my days to come back home~~and whenever i'm back, i'll start counting down my days to go back to KK~~anyway, gotta utilize this holiday to the fullest b4 i sacrifice myself wholly to my thesis next sem!!!! kya~~~get this away from my mind for now~~i juz wan some time off~~♥

Friday, November 6, 2009

离婚协议书 (转帖) 作者:佚名

很喜欢这个故事~~
放过来,方便以后自己还想再看看(*^__^*)...嘻嘻
顺便分享下~~



嫁給這個男人五年了,我不知道我是否還愛他,記得剛新婚
的時候,早晨時必定會在他懷抱中醒來,我總是紅著臉不敢說一聲早,怕嘴裡的口氣弄皺了他的眉,

漱口杯與牙刷堅持要和他用同款不同色,擺在一起看才有夫妻的感覺。

我會幫他打點上班 的衣物,什麼襯衫配什麼領帶,經過我的審美才准他穿上身

起了床到餐桌上,為了他的健康,我每天變換不同花樣的早餐,晴朗的天可能是培根蛋加上烤土司,有些下雨的話,或許來點小米粥搭醬瓜鹹蛋,要是陰天,不如就吃些外頭的燒餅油條和豆漿,招式用到我變不出新把戲,可是我樂此不疲

除了當一個賢慧的妻子,我亦毫不掩飾對他的熱情,「我愛你」是每天恭送他出門上班一定說的話,然後附加一個親密的吻,即使他大多時候只是淺淺一笑,也足夠我高興個老半天。

但是,五年過去了。

我相信還不到癢的時候,可是到底是什麼改變了我和他的互動呢?

早晨起床,他的位置往往已空蕩,只能由皺褶的床單證實他確實存在過,即使他偶爾睡過了頭或者小賴一下床,也絕對是急急忙忙由床上跳起來,匆忙的梳洗著衣。

我已經快忘了被他擁抱迎接朝陽的感覺,盥洗室裡的漱口杯,在幾年前被打破後,再也找不到一模一樣的,而另一個也因為掉到馬桶裡,所以也換了新的。

五年內,牙刷已換了不知幾支,甚至有時我們睡迷糊了,還會用上同一支,什麼口氣的問題都不需要掩飾了,是否一樣顏色,一樣款式,他說這些根本不重要。

因此,洗手台上Hello Kitty和小叮噹圖樣,漱口杯左右對峙,小叮噹的杯裡插著一支綠色牙刷,是我的,Hello Kitty則是空的,因為他前一陣子已改用電動牙刷,擺在架子上。

分屬兩個不同故事的漱口杯,以及位於兩個不同位置的牙刷,彷彿在嘲諷我們的夫妻關係,漸行漸遠。

因為他出門的時間早,打點他的衣著已經不再是我的事,他自己會搞定。

早餐呢?很久沒有一起吃了,我同樣不必費盡心思去想菜單、查食譜,反正沒人賞光,更不用說「我愛你」這句話,還有熱情的早安吻,他無福消受,而且現在說起來也有些矯情了。

仔細想想,五年來,他沒有說過一次「我愛你」,一次也沒有。

我和他相聚的時間,嚴格上來說是從晚上七點開始,也就是他下班回來之後,如果他加班的話,那時間可能要延到十點、十一點。

剛結婚的時候,我為了他去學烹飪,「要抓住男人的心,先抓住他的胃」,我深信這個鐵律。

所以,一些餐館名菜常出現在我們餐桌上,宮保雞丁、五更腸旺、蔥油雞、東坡肉……等。

見他吃得高興,我也開懷,雖然不全是我愛吃的,但是他愛吃就好。

飯後,我們會依偎在沙發上看電視,我陪他看新聞,聽他評論國政、批判社情,

他陪我看八點檔,聽我調侃劇情、大哭大笑。

所以我知道行政院長、立法院長是什麼人,他也知道當紅的李世民是誰演的。

我沒有料到的是,五年的時間可以改變這一切,烹飪班我可以說是半途而廢,不知道從哪天起,

他開始干涉我做菜的方法,宮保雞丁他不喜歡太多辣椒,五更腸旺他開始抵制,蔥油雞叫我別淋油,連滷東坡肉要放多少醬油,他都有話說。

我做的菜漸漸變得簡單,烹飪班也不想去了,有時候一盤炒青菜、貢丸湯和皮蛋豆腐就打發掉他,他反而沒什麼意見。

我想,我抓不住他的胃。

隨著他加班次數的增加,我們甚少在一起看電視了,除了現任總統是陳水扁,我對於國家大事可說一無所知,而他,問都不用問台灣霹靂火的男主角是誰他絕對不可能知道。

夫妻之間開始言不及義,他對我說的話,大多都是「不用等我」、「早點睡」,我跟他說的話,也幾乎是「你回來了」、「菜在電鍋熱著」。

我們沒有相同的話題,沒有相同的興趣,除了「夫妻」名義上的聯繫,我們的交流空泛的可憐,比普通朋友還不如。

多可笑的夫妻關係,不是嗎?

婚前,我們曾描繪著未來的願景,他說要生兩個孩子,先男後女,哥哥可以保護妹妹,我卻認為應該先享受一段兩人生活,生孩子的時情倒不急於一時,只是我不想壞了他的興致,並沒有說出口。

婚後一陣子,他很積極的和我「創造宇宙繼起之生命」,他想要孩子,從他不戴保險套的行為可以看得出來,可是我還不想要,又怕他不高興,於是我背著他吃避孕藥。

記得那時,他還興沖沖的帶我到醫院探視一名女性朋友,她剛生完一個四千兩百公克的巨嬰,神色萎糜的躺在病床上。

我忘不了他隔著一塊玻璃看新生娃娃時,眼中綻放的神采,可是我更忘不了,那位女性朋友用著虛弱的語氣告訴我,

她整整痛了一天一夜,才求醫生由自然產改為剖腹產,我更不敢生小孩了。

五年後的今天,他似乎已經放棄生小孩這回事,畢竟只有他一頭熱是沒用的。

可是,待在他上班之後空洞的房子裡,我突然覺得生個孩子也不錯,至少屋子裡會熱鬧點,我的寂寞,也會少一點。

他早就在數年前就開始用保險套了,我不清楚是什麼讓他改變心意,不過這也鬆了我一口氣,我對避孕藥似乎過敏,不論換什麼牌子最後都落得一個水腫的下場。

我猜他六百多度的近視加閃光,應該看不出我水腫前和水腫後有什不一樣,重點是他的保險套解決了我一個大麻煩,同時又帶來另一個新煩惱。

我現在想要一個孩子了,他卻似乎不想,我不知怎麼跟他開口,更別提他頻繁的加班,晚上常累得倒頭就睡,如果我再開這個口,似乎變相增加他的壓力。

兩個人之間,已經夠低潮了,不需要再增加一個會引起衝突的話題。

在我們戀愛的時候,他很喜歡帶我到淡水,坐在河堤旁看落日,沿著碼頭走一遭,可以吃到不同口味的各式小吃,淡水的海產頗富盛名,他似乎是識途老馬,總知道哪家是最道地的。

有時候,他帶著我坐渡輪到對岸的八里,那裡熱鬧的只有一條路,賣的全是孔雀蛤,兩個人可以吃掉一大盤,還覺得意猶未盡。

他也會和我騎雙人腳踏車沿著淡水老街騎到淡海,再由淡海騎回來,沿路的風景不算十分迷人,但有種質樸的味道,兼之海風鹹鹹的打在臉上,我很享受這種氣氛。

當然,坐在腳踏車後座的我三天打漁兩天曬網,心情好的時候才踩兩下,他明知我偷懶,還是賣力的踩,我很懷念,真的即使過了五年,那段回憶仍然歷歷在目。

婚後到淡水的次數,除了新婚那一陣子,幾乎屈指可數,近兩、三年更是一次都沒去過。

每到假日,他不到中午不會起床,我見他這麼疲倦,當然也不會煩他帶我到處走走。

假日照理說,我和他應該可以有些交集可是他累,我只能自己找事做,和在上班工作的朋友出門逛逛街,聊聊是非,也順便埋怨一下他。

至於在家睡覺的他,午、晚飯,自己解決吧!

他不知道,在前幾個月,我耐不住無聊,自個兒坐捷運到了淡水。

果然,太久沒有去了,那裡已經變成一個我完全不認識的地方,

河堤旁的小吃攤不見了,全部集中在捷運站附近,過去我和他看夕陽的地方整修成一條長堤,僅供散步,路面變得乾淨整潔固然是好,但是收藏著我和他美好記憶的地方,消失了

沒有他的帶路,我找不到道地的海產店,找不到好吃的小吃,自己一個人也騎不了雙人單車,但我驚訝的發現,淡水多了一個漁人碼頭,可以坐公車過去。

漁人碼頭,他的腳步沒有踏上過,我先了他一步,這是沒有他,只有我的經驗。

到了漁人碼頭邊,風景美復美矣,卻有種人工雕砌的做作,我以為花了幾百元搭乘藍色公路可以到對岸八里,就像渡輪一般,但那失了古風的遊艇卻繞了一大圈後又開回原點。

除了顛簸的船身搖得我頭暈目眩,我記不起來什麼美麗的風景,連孔雀蛤也沒撈到一粒,淡水變了,我和他的回憶,也變了。

某個早上,我特地比他早起,煮了頓睽違已久的豐盛早餐給他。

然後,沒有第三者,沒有爭吵.我遞出了離婚協議書。

那是我第一次看到他那麼震驚的表情,如果那天是愚人節,我想我成功了。

可是,我不會開那般惡劣的玩笑,他知道我是認真的,他沒有像一般男人一樣,暴跳如雷,開始數落女方的罪狀,也沒有哭哭啼啼,跪下哀求我留下,他只是極力冷靜自己的心緒,默不吭聲的接下協議書,開門,上班,一如往常。

他或許也察覺我們的夫妻關係到了一個瓶頸,也打算仔細考慮離婚的可行性,他近幾年的疏離,我沒有流下一滴眼淚,可是他這天的冷漠,幾乎傾盡我五年的淚水。

我有些後悔,這後悔逐漸蔓延,以心臟為一個起點,通傳至我的頭頂及腳趾。

但後悔又如何呢?

不快刀斬亂麻,也只是拖著一個平淡如水的日子,兩個人乾耗。

我不知道自己對他的愛剩多少,更不清楚他對我的愛剩多少

嫁給他之前,我就知道他沈默寡言,嫁給他之後,自以為能改變他的我,並沒有改變他多少。

我的愛,還不足以改變他,他的愛,亦不足以為我改變,這大概是關鍵所在。

柴米油鹽醬醋茶會摧毀愛情的甜蜜,我嚐到了,但這卻是用五年換來的教訓。

趁現在,沒有孩子,沒有牽絆,我也不貪圖他什麼,該是離婚最好的時機吧!

抖著手在離婚協議書上簽下名的我,交給他之後他出去幾個小時了,我仍然在發抖,

這是一種未知的惶恐,我等他給我一個結果。

他冷淡了我五年後,又凌遲了我七天。

從離婚協議書交到他手上之後,整整一個星期,他不與我說一句話,也睡了七天的沙發,每天仍然照常上下班,除了更加冷淡,我感覺不到他的喜怒哀樂。

那張協議書,就算扔到垃圾筒裡,還會有觸動垃圾袋的聲音,可是他,一點聲音也沒有,我懷疑他根本不當一回事,一段時間不理會我,只是在看我會不會自己忘了離婚這回事。

我受不了了,他到底要怎麼做呢?

連離婚,也要離得這麼漠然嗎?

然而,七天之後的他,結結實實嚇了我一跳,一早,我聽到他在客廳起床的聲音,隔著門板聽不真切,我卻一直等不到他出去上班的關門聲。

一陣乒乒乓乓的金屬撞擊,取代了他一向安安靜靜的作息,我終於按捺不住起身察看,卻在開門後,聞到了一陣食物的香氣。

「起床了嗎?吃點蛋捲。」他笑著,如新婚時我吻他之後那般淺笑。

我心裡狠狠跳了一下,原以為古井不波的情緒,因他久違的體貼,而起了絲絲漣漪。

他還是那麼輕易的,可以撩動我的心,我不清楚他怎麼可以混到九點、十點還不去上班,他接收到我的疑惑,也只是淡然一笑,身上簡單的服裝一點兒上班的氣息都沒有。

可能他,也有工作疲乏吧!

也可能他要宣判了,關於那張離婚協議書,看他神色自若的樣子,我默默吃著早餐,幻想著等一下他會說的話。

他會不會乾脆的就離婚了呢?還是在我面前撕了協議書呢?

不可否認的,我的心,傾向後者。

「我升上經理了。」

他的第一句話,出乎我意料,下一句話,卻馬上進入重點,轟得我措手不及,

「工作上的事告一段落,現在要好好處理家裡的事。」

工作是排在家庭之前嗎?我苦笑。

「工作安頓好,我才能給妳安定的家。」

他像在解釋我的疑惑。

「所以,告訴我為什麼要離婚呢?」

他終於問了,臉色變得嚴肅。

他從來沒有用過這種質疑的口氣與我說話,望著他難得的厲色,我竟一句話也說不出來。

「妳覺得我冷淡妳了嗎?」

轉眼,他的態度忽而又變得自嘲,弄得我丈二金剛,「我就知道妳一個人在家老是胡思亂想。」

我和他長談了一整天,數個小時的談話,有五分之四的時間我是在哭的,因為我覺得自己犯了一個滔天大錯,可是有些事,沒有那張離婚協議書,我永遠不會知道。

他說,五年來,他確實每天都是抱著我醒來,只是後來他工作忙,起床時間變早,而我仍沈睡著,不知道罷了,有時他還會親親我的臉,看著我貪懶的睡顏,他不忍心叫醒我。

而擺在盥洗室的漱口杯,他根本搞不清楚小叮噹是他的或Hello Kitty才是他的,他以為粉紅色是女孩子的頻色,所以他一直用著小叮噹的嗽口杯。

原來,我們一直在無形間,做著親密的唇齒交流,可憐了Hello Kitty,擺在那兒沒人用,成了個裝飾品。

早餐,他吃的都是7-11,他承認很想念我做的早餐,可是他不好意思要我每天做給他,他知道我會擠盡腦汁變花樣,他捨不得看我太累。

「我娶妳,是希望妳享福,不是要妳來當女傭的。」

從他這句話開始,我便止不住眼淚。

提到他的衣著,他更是笑我的傻,他看得出來我會為他添新衣服,按顏色花樣在櫃裡整整齊齊的分類擺放,而新婚時期我常幫他搭配,久了他也知道我的喜好,什麼領帶配什麼衣服,他是為我而穿。

至於熱情的早安吻,每天他早在我熟睡間給我了,我卻兀自鑽牛角尖,認為他不需要我的吻。

「你為什麼從不說你愛我呢?」我噙著淚水問他。

「我以為妳知道,否則我們為什麼結婚呢?」

他理所當然回答。

是啊!我知道,我一直都知道,不然我不會嫁給他的,可是既然知道,我又何必強求他說出來呢?

女人都是需要一些愛語滋潤的,我想這就是理由,看著我控訴的眼光,我想他也知道理由了。

「妳做的大菜,很好吃可是那些菜費工夫,也不全是妳喜歡的,所以我寧可妳做些簡單的菜,最好是妳也喜歡吃。」

他一句一句的解釋,又讓我掉了一缸淚水,「妳不喜歡吃辣,因此我要妳少放辣椒,妳不吃內臟,那我也不吃,妳怕胖,所以料理時我希望油加少一點,醬油鹽份高,吃多腎臟負擔大,為了妳我健康著想,調味即可,不必加太多。」

只要是我煮的,他都喜歡,想想每次準備食物給他,他沒有一次不是吃光的,到底為什麼我會覺得抓不住他的胃呢?

所以,我也抓住了他的心嗎?

另一件令我驚訝的事,他真的知道台灣霹靂火的男主角是誰,即使猜得不完全正確。

「是劉文聰嗎?還是那個李正賢呢?晚上在公司加班,同事都會開電視來看,所以我多少也知道一點。」他撫去我臉上淚痕,笑問:「妳也在看嗎?」

「嗯。」我又想哭了,我真是小覷了那個節目的收視率。

「當上經理之後會比較少加班,那我們就一起看。」

他說得輕鬆,我卻鼻頭一陣酸楚。

我在意的,其實不是看什麼節目,管他行政院長、立法院長是誰,沒有他在身邊,看什麼都索然無味。

我發現,只要願意,兩個人什麼事都可以談,連我跟他解釋台灣霹靂火的劇情,一路聊到整容話題,他也聽得津津有味

是我,是我封閉了自己,以為他不願意聽我說話、不願意對我說話。

他心疼我一個人在家裡,聊公司裡的事怕悶壞我,又見我一副不想搭理他的樣子,他每天只能摸摸一鼻子的灰。

無論他跟我說什麼,我都是愛聽的,可是我現在才讓他知道,夫妻兩浪費了幾年的時間在這種誤解之間打轉,他活該,我也活該。

「我很少看新聞,都不知道國家最近發生了什麼事。」

我這句話出口得有些抱怨。

「好,我以後每天當妳的新聞台。」他溫柔的笑了。

聊到生孩子的事,他先是一陣默然。

「我想生一個孩子。」這時候,我有勇氣說出口了。

「我以為妳不想,剛結婚那一陣子,妳不是一直吃避孕藥嗎?」難得聽到他有些怪罪的語氣。

進一步了解之後,我才發現,他一直知道我在吃藥,或許是我哪次把藥隨便擱在化粧台上,被他看到了,他徹底了解我不想要孩子。

而他也知道,我吃完藥隔天會有水腫的現象,身子骨纖細的我,一雙腳腫得跟象腿一樣,也只有我這種人的鴕鳥心態,才會認為他不會發現。

後來我養成習慣將藥好好放在抽屜中,他以為我不再吃,怕身子水腫難受,所以他戴起保險套,說來說去,還是為了我

「妳又水腫了嗎?一直哭個不停,是想把身體裡的水逼出來嗎?」

他居然敢揶揄我,免不了得到我飽以老拳。

他還是想要孩子的,聽完我說想生孩子,他眼下興奮的光芒大大的告訴我這一點。

只不過,那抹光芒在閃爍之後隨即斂去,他又正襟危坐的問了我一個問題。

「妳真的想生嗎?」

「想啊!我一個人在家好無聊。」

「只是因為無聊嗎?如果一個人在家無聊,妳想出去學東西、去工作、和朋友 去逛街,我不會阻撓妳。」

「你不是也想嗎?」我生氣了,縱然淚眼婆娑沒什麼說服力

他開始說起那個四千兩百公克的巨嬰,原來那名女性朋友的經驗不僅嚇到我,也嚇到他了。

他不希望我生孩子還要受極大的痛苦,什麼剖腹產、自然產,他一點概念也沒有,只知道一定會很痛,他明白我怕痛,所以他捨棄了生孩子的想法。

「我不管,我要生。」明瞭了他的想法後,我更希望替他生一個孩子,身體裡流著我和他血液的孩子。

「那就生吧!」他悄悄的在我耳邊說了一句令我臉紅的話。

「你這麼有精力,不是上班很累嗎?」

我狐疑他話裡的真實性。

經他解釋,我才恍然大悟,就算工作累,他偶爾也有慾望,有時晚上摟著我,又看我睡得香甜,這種看得到吃不到的痛苦,他只能鬱鬱的悶在自己心裡,

面對他的心意,我,真的無言了。

在我像兩顆水蜜桃的雙眼略為消腫後,他催我換衣服,帶我出門。

已經好久沒和他一起出遊了,在兩人間的冷淡破冰後,坐在他身邊竟也給我當初戀愛的感覺。

我凝望著他專心駕駛的側臉,將他的動作姿態深深刻在心裡,因為我差點忘了,我和他之間還橫著一個問題,那張離婚協議書。

我要一輩子記住他的模樣,如果他最後仍是簽了名,可是,他應該不會簽吧!

否則,他何必和我討論生孩子的事。

「到了。」他停車,我也隨之下車。

海風迎面吹來,是淡水。

他也記得這個地方,這個我們記憶珍藏的地方。

「我一直想帶妳來,可是妳假日都和朋友出門,我只好蒙著棉被在家睡覺。」他如此說道。

這是個什麼烏龍呢?

我體諒他工作累,他體諒我和朋友出門,就這樣我們錯過了,一次又一次的相伴。

「你以後想幹什麼,可以直接說。」我惱火的盯著他。

「妳也是。」他正經八百的回視我,言下之意是要我別五十步笑百步。

說來也好笑,我們一直認為自己是在為對方著想,以自己的方式去體貼對方,這種自以為是卻導致了無數個陰錯陽差,一直到我開始懷疑自己不愛他,他也不愛我了,才驚覺這份愛並不是消逝,而是溶入了生活之中,自然的讓人忘了它的存在。

愛情的表現,可以是黏膩、親熱、奉獻、祝福,甚至是退讓,每個人的方式不同,會導致的結果各異。

我的方式是盲目的付出,他的方式是全然的關懷,乍看之下兩個人都沒錯,可是無論什麼方式,中間少了一種叫「溝通」的元素,就容易導致裂痕。

我們的婚姻,就是建築在這種缺乏溝通的空中樓閣之上,嫁給這個男人五年了,我以為我漸漸的不愛他,但只是一番簡單的剖白心意,我對他所有的愛再度復活,甚而轉濃。

女人會因男人長久的冷落而對愛情失望,也可以因男人一句話又對愛情充滿希望,

我不想和他離婚,一點兒也不想,當初硬著頭皮簽下名,或許只是賭氣,只是要他正眼看看我。

可是 ……

「那、那張離婚協議書……。」我要收回來。

「在公司裡。」他好整以暇,「公司的碎紙機裡。」

這個意思是… …?

「妳想離婚,等我成為亡夫時再說吧!」

我估量不出他說這句話,是不是在開玩笑,不過他又騙到我的淚水。

他真的很愛我,即使他沒有說過,我想如果我堅持離婚,他會放我走的,他捨不得見我難過,就像他見我掉淚又趕快摟住我一樣。

倘若,是他想離婚呢?

恕我自私,我是堅決不會放的,除非等我變成亡妻,同樣因為他捨不得見我難過,我自信可以留住他。

「淡水整個都變了,我都快不認識了。」

哄完了我,他連忙帶開話題。

「我來過,我知道有什麼景點。」

「那這次就要靠妳帶路囉!」

是啊!我們可以開創新的回憶,只要有我也有他,什麼時間地點都不成問題。

結婚五年,

我又發現了一次愛情。

完*